Return From The Darkness

Based on actual events

Tuesday, 4:07 pm:

Lydia quickly walked out of the building toward her car fishing through her purse for the key fab. beep-beep Her white Audi confirmed the press of the unlock button and responded accordingly. She grabbed the handle to the back door, flung it open, and threw her computer bag inside. It bounced off the tan leather seat back landing on the seat causing papers to fly out and scatter everywhere. She didn’t really care. She sat down in the driver’s seat and clutched the wheel trying to keep it together until she got out of the parking lot. Dave the IT guy walked by her car. She gave him a half-ass smile and a little wave. “Have a good night, Lydia. See you bright and early.” Dave shouted through the window. Lydia had completely forgot about the morning meeting. ‘Fat chance on that happening, Dave.’ Lydia thought, ‘I won’t be there.’  She pressed the start button. The car came to life and she drove away.

Tuesday, 6:22 pm:

The after work crowd was meandering through the aisles at Target. Three people were waiting in line at the pharmacy to pick up their prescriptions.  A little boy  in jeans and a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle jacket was sitting in the seat of the blood pressure machine swinging his legs and sliding his arm in and out of the blood pressure cuff. His mom, who was one of the people waiting in line, said, “Hey! what did I just say? Don’t press the buttons.” Lydia browsed the aisles of medications dressed in her sweats and sweatshirt. She thought a good workout at the gym would help improve her mood. It didn’t. Her eyes darted back and forth scoping out the situation like she was about to rob the place. Nobody noticed but she thought everyone was wondering why she was acting so strange. She was looking at the sleeping pills examining box after box reading the ingredients to see which one had the higher dosage. They were all about the same. She dropped two boxes of the generic brand into the basket and went to the self check out scanner so that a clerk would not get suspicious.

Tuesday 7:36 pm:

William had left a message saying he was working late and would not be able to meet for dinner. That only draped another covering over her heart deepening the darkness. Lydia and William were engaged to be married in six months. It was going to be a beautiful wedding. They were the perfect couple: late twenties, good-looking, successful. Their entire lives were ahead of them. The future could only lift them higher until they touched the stars, right? And why not. William was an entrepreneur starting his own accounting business. Lydia was a manager in the retail industry and going to school to get her masters in organizational behavior and development.  All of that didn’t matter now. None of it was going to happen. William would be devastated. She knew that. But he’d get over it and find someone else. He’d be happy. Lydia turned off all of the lights and laid down on the couch hoping sleep would help her escape the numbing senselessness of it all.

Tuesday 10:57 pm

Inside the kitchen cupboard underneath the sink, bottles of Jim Beam, Absolut, Beefeaters, and Jose Cuervo sat in various stages of being consumed. Lydia and William were not big drinkers but they would pull a bottle or two out when they entertained Williams clients or his brother Mike who drank too much and probably should be in AA. The cupboard door opened and Lydia inspected the bottles. The bottle of Absolut was the most full so she grabbed it. On her way out the door, she stuffed a bottle of water in her purse, pressed the garage door opener, and jumped in the car to drive somewhere. The night was warm, dark, and stormy which was unusual for March. Did the sky know what was going on inside her, Lydia wondered. The rhythmic beating of the windshield wipers had always been soothing to her. It helped her clear her mind. But not tonight. It was too late. She was tired. Tired of battling this demon that had stalked her for years weighing her down and smothering her. There would never be a total victory in this war, only brief reprieves from the battle. In those times, it seemed like life could be normal. But inevitably the demon would rise again to takes its place on the throne and make her grovel.

Wednesday 1:33 am

The parking lot was deserted. In the rear view mirror, the small Panera Bread sign was illuminated above the door of the loading dock. A few parking spaces sat directly across from the dock surrounded by trees. If it wasn’t for the dumpsters and the darkness and the rain, this could have been a serene place. Lydia felt fairly certain this spot was safe and secluded. She wouldn’t be bothered at least until morning. The back of her cupped hand rested on the bottom of the steering wheel. She took a bottle of pain killers out of her purse, popped the cap off, and dumped the pills into her hand.  Half the bottle had been used after her knee surgery nine months ago. The pills were a little old but she figured they should still be potent enough to do the job. The sleeping pills and alcohol would carry her the rest of the way. She reached into the passenger seat for the bottle of vodka, put it between her legs, and unscrewed the cap.

“You don’t know what you’re doing.” Lydia glanced over her right shoulder into the back seat. Someone had just spoken to her but no one was there. She turned back around. Tears started falling from her eyes. ‘I’m doing this. I’m doing this,’ she scolded herself. ‘I’m tired of dealing with this.’

The voice spoke again, this time louder, clearer. “What you are going through right now, you do not understand. Some day you will…… You have to make it through.” The voice spoke as if it were her thoughts. But it wasn’t her thoughts. It was more masculine. And it seemed like it was many people speaking in unison. How did she know this? She didn’t know. All she knew is there was no one in the back seat.

Now Lydia was pissed. “Do you know what it has been like struggling with this!” She screamed at the voice. “No you don’t! No one does. Wait? Wait for what? Wait for what! What the hell are you talking about!” There was no reply. She was alone. “GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!” She threw the pills in her hand as hard as she could at the passenger window. They ricocheted off the glass and flew all over the car. She took a swig of vodka and rested her head in her hand.  ‘Now I’m going to have to clean that shit up.’ After a few minutes, she pulled out of the parking lot, made her way back home, and went to bed.

Epilogue

After many years, Lydia has been able to walk down the path and now has a more peaceful, balanced life. It has not been easy. It has taken many changes, self revelations, and support from family, friends, and mental health professionals. She had to endure psychic and emotional pain along the way. Sometimes she still does. The demon is still with her. It’s a part of her. But she understands it more now. She knows what feeds it and makes it stronger. And what can calm it down. She must remain vigilant of her inner world because the shadow of depression can grow again. It is a dance she has learned to accept.

As for the voice, it is a mystery. It speaks when it wants to speak. Lydia tries not to label it as this or that. It has kept her on this road of life and pointed the way on occasion. It has convinced her that we all have a purpose here and that every life matters.

If you are struggling with depression or suicidal thoughts, do not suffer alone. Reach out for help. No one can wave a magic wand to make inner pain and outer problems disappear instantaneously. It will take time and work. But it can get better. The fullness and richness of life lie just outside of your field of vision. I promise.

A Blog Full Of Miracles

This is a blog about the profound, the mundane, and the miraculous. In fact, I am named after a guy who performed miracles- Gerard Majella…. Saint Gerard. He was a catholic monk who lived in a monastery in Italy in the 1700’s. He is the patron saint of expectant mothers. The story goes that one day he dropped a handkerchief and a young girl picked it up. She tried to give it back to him but he told her to keep it because she may need it someday. Years later, when the girl had grown into a woman and was married, she was having a difficult time with a pregnancy. So St. Gerard’s handkerchief was laid on her and prayers were said and she got better. (CatholicMiracles.org)   Bing-bang-boom, St. Gerard became the patron saint of expectant mothers and the reason for my birth….so to speak.

You see, my parents decided they wanted another child after my brother and sister. (Dan and Rose were perfectly good kids but I think my parents wanted one who was just a little nutty. So thank God I came along.) Anyway, after three miscarriages, my mom decided to bring in the big guns and started praying to Saint Gerard so that she could have a baby. Apparently her prayers worked because nine months later out popped an eight pound baby boy.

I personally think that is a pretty miraculous birth story. (Maybe not as miraculous as some others you have heard.) I’m sure if we looked deeper there is a perfectly rational, scientific explanation for my birth- one that does not involve the intervention of an Italian guy who died centuries before. But I don’t want to look deeper. I enjoy resting in the perspective that something improbable is the reason I am here.

In our world of ever increasing instantaneous knowledge, it may become possible someday to explain the nature of the improbable and the miraculous. On one level, I think we need access to that kind of information so that we have better control of our lives and destiny. But on another level, I don’t want the mysteries to be solved. I want to look into the sky and wonder at the darkness and consider the stars. I want to follow the wisps of questions that rise from deep within and see where they lead. For some, the questions have led to the discovery of electricity and steam engines and cell phones and trips to the moon. For others, the questions have led to prophecies, levitations, miraculous healings, and ecstatic unions.

There is a scene in the movie The Matrix where Trinity meets Neo in a nightclub. The music is pounding. Lights are flashing. Bodies are pulsing and grinding on the dance floor. Trinity and Neo are standing in the shadows in the corner of the room. Trinity knows why Neo is there. He has been searching. So she leans in close and says to him, “It’s the question, Neo. It’s the question that drives us.”

So join me as I share my wonderings about the world we live in. Where it has been, where it is now, and where it might be going. I don’t promise to provide all the answers. But I do promise to be someone who will stand next to you and peer into the darkness and wonder.